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Punk Rock ’n’ Roll Fun
Washington Post, The (DC) - July 27, 1979
Author: Joseph McLellan
"Rock ’n’ Roll High School," now playing at six local theaters, is not to be taken seriously - even by the juvenile rock fans who are its intended audience. And that’s good, because otherwise we should get ready for an escalated replay of the late ’60s, with high schools all over the country being taken over the students and blown to dust in last-ditch confrontations with "the power structure."
The story is simple, as befits a film whose teme music is punk rock: at Vince Lombardi High School (somewhere in Southern California), the students want to do nothing but listen to punk rock, while the new principal, Miss Togar, insists that they should try to learn something. When she finally stages a Nazi-style record-burning (mostly of the Ramones, but one notes with a twinge that "Highway 61 Revisited" is on the burning pile), the revolution is launched, the school is occupied and it could be 1968 again.
Once it becomes clear that they can’t win, the students devise an explosive strategy (illustrating the slogan of the school and its eponym: "Winning isn’t the most important thing, it’s only thing." But before the end, the students have a few rapturous moments to show what the school could be: rocking in the corridors, an orgy in the shower room (decorously veiled by breast-high suds) and sadism in the cafeteria, where the white-uniformed workers are bound, gagged and stood up against the wall while the students throw food at them.
This final image occupies the screen for only a few moments, but in some ways it gets to the heart of the picture’s unintentionally complicated symbolism. The student body at Vince Lombardi is overwhelmingly white and middle class. Anyone who has ever eaten cafeteria food can understand their motivation, but it is hard to accept the way they work it out. If you can’t pull down the agribusiness structure, you tie up a few Hispanics and torture them. Torture them in a way that gives maximum insult to the Third World, by pelting them with food.
The campus unrest of the ’60s generally was motivated by issues and principles - or, at least, that was the flavor of its rhetoric. But at Vince Lombardi High, the rhetoric and the gestures harmonize totally, and what they add up to is simple-minded self-indulgence, escapism masquerading as revolution.
This was not the audience reaction, however at a preview showing Wednesday night in the Ontario Theater, where the urban guerrilla sentiment drew tumultuous applause - and a big laugh when the kids started throwing food at the cafeteria workers.
Good performances, in a cast that faced no serious acting challenges, were given by Mary Woronov as the principal (a pretty fair imitation of Ilse Koch), P.J. Soles and Lynn Farrell as feuding rock fans, Don Steele as Screamin’ Steve Stevens, a deejay, and Rob Bottin as a giant white mouse. The Ramones, given the assignment of playing themselves, did so flawlessly.
Why did an easygoing, simple-minded rock group that doesn’t seem to be mad at anyone these days decide to be featured in such a movie? Guitarist Johnny Ramone has said it was because of their respect for executive producer Roger Corman :
"When I was a little kid I used to go to the pictures all the time. I saw all the Corman pictures, from ’Attack of the Crab Monsters’ to ’The Little Shop of Horrors’ and all of the Poe pictures and biker movies. When we found out Roger Corman was behind the picture, we said, ’Sure, we’ll do it,’ because we knew he had a reputation and we knew he made good movies."
"Rock ’n’ Roll High School" is in that great tradition.
NIGHT PATROL (1984)
I've been obsessing about Jackie Kong movies lately. Today, I'm watching NIGHT PATROL. It's pretty damn funny and a perfect antidote to these Judd Apatow, Raunchy- Comedies-with-a-Heart that seem to be in vogue now.
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' Night Patrol ': vile, infantile, puerile -- and terrible
Evening Tribune (San Diego, CA) - January 7, 1985
Author: BILL HAGEN, FILM/THEATER CRITIC
IT'S NO SECRET that the first month or two of a new year -- and sometimes considerably longer than that, like waiting for the Social Security deduction from your paycheck to end -- is clearance sale time for the movie business.
Everything -- and anything -- goes.
At such a time, it's a good idea -- even a sanity-saving idea -- to keep reminding yourself it's early in the season, that things surely will get better. But never, to the best of my recollection, have I had to remind myself so early in the season that it's early in the season, if you know what I mean.
The first new release out of the box, which isn't at all a bad a way to put it, is a vile, infantile, puerile exercise in inanity called " Night Patrol ." What it is basically is a sleazy rip-off of "Police Academy" and maybe "Airplane!," neither of which were totally innocent of sleaze in the first place.
Truth to tell, I had a tiny inkling beforehand that " Night Patrol " would be pretty much what it is, which is abominable. Oh, the clues were subtle, but they were there. For instance, a cast headed by Linda Blair , Pat Paulsen, Jaye P. Morgan, Jack Riley, Billy Barty and Murray Langston. Would that light up a marquee, or what?
Then there's the writing team -- the aforementioned Langston, whose versatility is overshadowed only by his lack of talent; William Levey; William Osco; and Jackie Kong. Talk about spreading lack of talent around, Kong is also accused of being co-producer and director.
" Night Patrol " is a relentless series of off-the-wall (usually the bathroom wall) skits celebrating such classy comedy topics as urination, defecation, flatulence and other giggly stuff most people outgrow a few years before puberty. Quite a few years. Like when potty training ends.
The thread, however slender, that runs through this tasteless, numbingly unfunny comedy involves Langston as a moonlighting cop. He is to law enforcement as Erica Jong is to deathless prose.
His second job is as a performer in a comedy club, at which he's not any better. But for his second job he shows wisdom totally out of character -- he wears a paper bag over his head while performing. I'll bet the rest of the cast thought of the same thing. He's known as the Unknown Comedian, strictly on merit.
Meanwhile, another person wearing a bag is doing crimes and .... Well, it's not for me to give away everything. I'd like to give away this movie, though, perhaps to the Ayatollah.
The writing committee and the director of " Night Patrol " also have great sport with, or make sport of, homosexuals in a particularly disgusting way. (One of the jokes, and you'd better sit down for this: The police chief is handing out assignments and calls for patrolman number one. No answer. "Are you one?" the chief asks. And the answer is -- give me a moment to gather myself -- "Yes, are you one too?" Most of the other jokes fall short of that, but who could keep up such a pace?)
Less bloodied but not totally unscathed are such targets as nuns, the mentally deficient and, of course, the police. Hey, a laugh's a laugh, right? Anything's fair game. Well, not anything, and definitely not if there's nothing funny about any of it.
One of the concerns about lacerating a movie like " Night Patrol " -- although even from Hollywood there aren't too many like it -- is that it might pique curiosity. You know, like nothing can be that bad or that gross. Wrong! " Night Patrol " is a thoroughly detestable movie.
The only thing that salvaged the day for me, in fact, was the revelation that General Electric is making some really nifty audio equipment. That information was included in a commercial before the movie and, in retrospect, the commercial was much too short.
Naw, I'm only kidding. I think use of commercials and rock videos in movie-houses is pretty venal. But, then, the movie business is something of a bastion of venality. It is, after all, the business that unearthed " Night Patrol ."
" Night Patrol ," rated R (language, sexual content), is playing areawide.
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New year begins in a terrible way
San Diego Union, The (CA) - January 8, 1985
Author: David Elliott, Movie Critic
" Night Patrol " opens with French credit titles, and at first I thought a French print had been shipped by mistake. A few minutes into the film I realized they'd made a bigger mistake. New World Pictures should have sent an all-French version, and one without English subtitles.
This comedy that never made me laugh is no way to start a new year. It's about a wimpy cop in San Francisco (though it looks like Los Angeles) who moonlights as a nightclub comic, wearing a bag on his head and cracking, uh, jokes. Among the few that can be printed in this paper: "You know beer makes you smarter? It made Bud wiser."
Though no longer run by Roger Corman, New World Pictures still has a reputation for giving chances to young talent. Here the rising star is director Jackie Kong, daughter (says the PR sheet) of the late writer and wit Anita Loos. She was, also says the sheet, "raised among the likes of Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando and Roman Polanski. As a result, she remains unfazed by the glitter of Hollywood."
That's reassuring, but we can wish that Jackie K. had been fazed by more talent. I missed her first feature, "The Being," which is not, as you may surmise, a meditation on Heidegger's ontology but about "a creature from a toxic waste dump who terrorizes a small town." Jackie, toxic with low-budget ambition, is now terrorizing viewers. During my viewing of " Night Patrol ," the audience peeled away in stunned sections from the theater.
The film's cop-comic is played by Murray Langston, who must have requested the head bag after he read the script. But Murray's gags and gestures (a poor steal from Martin Short's geek character Ed Grimley) are not the lowest points in this Death Valley. We also see dirty old copper Pat Paulsen pawing women, among them "Kitten" Natividad, the busty graduate of Russ Meyer films. Whatever it is that Kitten does, Meyer handles it better.
Jaye P. Morgan plays a talent agent with lurid cynical smile. Dwarfish Billy Barty is the precinct captain whose shoes make flatulent noises. And Pat Morita rolls back some of his "Karate Kid" advance by appearing as a transvestite rape victim, dubbed with a girl's voice.
Oh yes, and Linda Blair , very late of "The Exorcist," appears as policewoman Sue Perman (and if you get the joke of her name, you're getting as deep as this movie goes). Blair, who has matured rather nicely, no longer makes me think of revolving heads and pea soup. After "Exorcist II: The Heretic," and now this, hasn't she earned a break?
" Night Patrol " never gets better. Those dressy French titles, it turns out, are the sharpest gag. This movie exists in a septic sub-basement beneath "Laugh-in," beneath Cheech and Chong, even beneath the Three Stooges. The attitude behind the raunchy scattershots is: Throw something at the screen and see if it sticks. It seldom does, but we're left with the stain.
Watching " Night Patrol " is like being trapped in a bus station late at night with people who are unemployed for obvious reasons. When a mean, dumb waiter in a greasy diner cleans Paulsen's knife by wiping it through his armpit, I realized that we may be surprisingly early in finding 1985's worst film.
" Night Patrol " (no stars) A New World Pictures release. Directed by Jackie Kong. Produced by Bill Osco. Written by Murray Langston, Bill Levey, Jackie Kong, Bill Osco. Photography by Juerg Walthers, Hanania Baer. Rated R. In local theaters. The Cast Murray Langston-Murray, Linda Blair-Sue Perman, Pat Paulsen-Kent ,Billy Barty-Capt. Lewis, Pat Morita-Rape Victim, Jaye P. Morgan-Kate
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FILM: MIDGET CAPTAINS, PAPER BAGS AND ' NIGHT PATROL '
Philadelphia Inquirer, The (PA) - January 28, 1985
Author: Desmond Ryan, Inquirer Movie Critic
In the matter of an opinion of Night Patrol , I yield to the incontinent pigeon who chooses a policeman as its target shortly after the opening credits. The bird proves a fair judge of a movie, which is more than can be said for anyone else involved in this unspeakable film.
The hucksters, casting about for a come-on to an audience that consists of people who like to see the doodlings on the wall of a bus station men's room brought to cinematic life, declare that Night Patrol is funnier than last year's Police Academy.
But then, so is a two-car funeral cortege.
The pigeon - or some other little bird - might have informed them, but the main idea here is to out-gross, in every sense of the word, the box-office success of Police Academy.
The credits of Night Patrol are in subtitled French. The rest of the film, unfortunately, is in subcretinous English.
Shortly after the pigeon has turned in its review, a man shows up with a brown paper bag over his head. He is a night-club comedian who wishes to keep his identity a secret. The plot has something to do with his secret moonlighting and a bandit who adopts his disguise.
When the comedian trots out a few of his jokes, the bag seems an eminently sensible idea, and one wonders why the rest of the cast did not seek a similar refuge in anonymity. When performers appear in something as filthy and witless as Night Patrol , it is sometimes sadly referred to as "career- threatening." But when you are willing to appear in a movie whose recurring joke concerns a midget police captain with a terminal case of flatulence, you clearly have no career left to threaten.
It would be a humanitarian gesture - one I am sure the pigeon would endorse - if the filmmakers showed some compassion and issued brown paper bags to patrons as they enter the theater for Night Patrol .
Airlines are considerate in this regard, and there is far more potential for nausea among those exposed to the full 87 minutes of Night Patrol - a film that gives a new meaning to the term police brutality.
NIGHT PATROL
Produced by William Osco, directed by Jackie Kong, written by Murray Langston, William Levey, William Osco and Jackie Kong, photography by Juergen Walthers, distributed by New World Pictures; running time, 1 hour, 27 min. *
Kent - Pat Paulsen
Melvin - Jack Riley
Kate - Jaye P. Morgan
Edith - Linda Blair
Parents' guide: R (language, gross humor)
PAT PAULSEN ETHNIC JOKE/MINSTREL BIT ON MERV GRIFFIN
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..PATROL': POOPER SCOOPER FARE
THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE - February 4, 1985
Author: Peter Stack
.... Night Patrol ,'' which splatted into Bay Area theaters over the weekend, is a steady flow of gags from the lower intestinal tract and environs. I imagine ....Joe Bob'' types will at least be licking the screen upon seeing this rotten dog of a comedy that needs a scooper to pick up after it.
As advertised, .... Night Patrol ,'' starring Linda Blair , Pat Paulson and Murray Langston as the Unknown Comic, is the ....gross-out movie of the year.''
Do we need a gross-out movie this year? Or any year?
The average filmgoer will have to consider just how far he or she wishes to sink on the issue of grossing out. Are dog doo jokes sufficient? How about a sperm bank joke in which a woman . . . well, you almost have to be there to appreciate the nuances of .... Night Patrol .'' Nuances that hit you like a truckload of road apples.
Still and all, some road apples are juicier than others. Although I'm a sensitive type given to serious reflection and philosophical pursuits, I suffered a few eruptions of unabashed laughter at about four of the apples - steamers, if you will.
A back-alley cockfight scene, for example, hit my funnybone from left field. A ....High Noon'' parody, in which a gunslinger can't decide whether his Smith & Wesson is in his pants or his holster, got me too.
.... Night Patrol '' is about about two cops, a rookie and a veteran (played by Langston and Paulsen) who are assigned to night patrol . Linda Blair is the radio dispatcher at police headquarters. She still looks about 14 years old, and she's still is all the other things her fans gawk and talk about, although the gawkables are seen in only one fleeting moment. No freeze frames in our neighborhood theaters!
The movie, technically a pile, and rather chaotic in terms of plot, runs out of steam - and steamers - pretty fast. Dog doo succumbs to dumb doo, and it's all over except for the tedious process of getting your money's worth by staying until the bitter end.
Langston plays both the rookie cop and the Unknown Comic, the stand-up who performs with a paper bag over his head. In the film a man wearing a paper bag over his head is robbing taverns. The cops are hot on his trail in spite of their captain, Billy Barty, whose main shtick is to break wind.
It's hard to pinpoint the exact injuries to the sensibilities that occur in .... Night Patrol ,'' mostly because they're so constant. But the brazenly gross first 10 minutes (following titles in French) is really the only puke-in-your-popcorn portion of the movie. After a siege of jokes that would make even hardened perverts blush, .... Night Patrol '' just sputters stupidly to its final wind-down.
This is not a film to take your grandparents to - and you grannies out there, don't take no little grandkids either!
RATING: (EMPTY CHAIR)
NIGHT PATROL : Raunchy comedy. Starring Linda Blair , Pat Paulson, Murray Langston. (R. 87 minutes. At the Alhambra, Alexandria, Empire, New Mission, St. Francis, Serramonte and Geneva Drive-In.)
UNKNOWN COMIC on GONG SHOW
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HORRENDOUS ' NIGHT PATROL ' AN ABSOLUTE MUST-NOT SEE
SACRAMENTO BEE - February 5, 1985
Author: George Williams Bee Reviewer
NIGHT PATROL is an ugly little movie that seems bent on offending every possible target. It attempts to make jokes out of little people, gay people, flatulent people. It is sexist, racist and ageist. It's anti-black, anti-Asian, anti-Catholic, anti-Semitic, anti-dog, anti-cat. It tries to get laughs at the expense of comics, agents, psychiatrists, the police, criminals, victims - all civilians.
It's raunchy, treating sexuality as if it were nothing but perversion. And it's dumb. You've heard all the jokes before. There's not an original bone on its body.
So what are we to make of this? Apparently New World Pictures figured they could make a lot of money by exploiting a comparative masterpiece, the comedy Police Academy that mined similar ground and was one of 1984's big money-makers. Night Patrol is a septic tank compared to the tranquil mountain lake of Police Academy.
Unlike Police Academy, Night Patrol ignores every possibility for fun. It lacks any real vitality or imagination. It reeks of stupidity, cowardice and mean-heartedness.
The bottom line is that Night Patrol is clearly presented as if we will find it hilarious and charming and that we will sympathize with its characters. It's saying that Night Patrol 's monstrous attitude is just what we want to see up on the screen.
It's a monstrous insult that should be soundly kicked into a garbage pit where it belongs.
NIGHT PATROL
(No stars.)
Cast: Pat Paulsen, Linda Blair , Jaye P. Morgan, Jack Riley, Billy Barty, Murray Langston. Director: Jackie Kong. Producer: William Osco. Screenplay: Langston, Kong, Osco, William Levey. Distributor: New World Pictures.
Capitol, State, Sunrise, Sacramento Drive-In.
Rating: R, for raunchiness, simulated sex, profanity.
LINDA BLAIR HOW TO MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD
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MOVIE REVIEW - .. Night Patrol ,' like comic, should be an unknown film
The Atlanta Journal and The Atlanta Constitution - February 5, 1985
Author: RINGEL, ELEANOR, Eleanor Ringel Film Editor: STAFF
The people connected with "Police Academy" are going to be very happy with " Night Patrol ." This inept, cheap-shot, gross-out comedy does one thing very well - it shows how low the "Police Academy" crowd could've stooped.
The movie uses up its funniest idea right away. The credits are subtitled in French, sort of mock-New Wave pretentious. Unfortunately, the rest of the picture is in English.
The ostensible star is a comedian named Murray Langston who bills himself as The Unknown Comic and performs his act with a paper bag over his head. During the day, he takes off the bag and dons a badge as a policeman named Melvin.
All kinds of funny things happen to Melvin. Incontinent pigeons let loose on him. A bum sleeping in a public park turns out to be gay and covers him with kisses. His commander-in-chief is a dwarf (Billy Barty) with a bad case of terminal flatulence.
But Melvin's real problems aren't any of the above. They are: one, no one is supposed to know he's moonlighting as a comic, known or not; two, there's a criminal roaming the city who also wears a paper bag and tells bad jokes which makes the Unknown Comic Barty's prime suspect.
There really is an Unknown Comic - he's played comedy clubs in Atlanta - and " Night Patrol " comes off as a vanity production financed by his manager or his parents or perhaps both. Whoever it was, they probably thought they were doing their boy a good turn, but if he wants to make a career out of this kind of trash, he might consider trading his grocery bag for a Hefty bag.
Though most of the cast is made up of actors obviously so desperate to have a movie credit on their meager resumes that they'll do anything in front of a camera, there are a few "name" performers. Linda Blair , making a genre move from horror movies to horrible ones, comes off best as a police dispatcher in love with Melvin. Less fortunate are Pat Paulsen as Melvin's womanizing partner and Jack Riley as his pipe-smoking shrink. It's too bad the Smothers Brothers and Bob Newhart can't take better care of their old second bananas. Most embarrassing of all is poor Pat Morita as a "rape" victim, a portrayal I don't think will do much for his chances at an Oscar nomination for "The Karate Kid."
" Night Patrol " makes "Police Academy" look like "Hill Street Blues." As 10-four comedies go, this one is a 10-zero. Over and out.
BILLY BARTY interview 1996
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.. NIGHT PATROL ' IS ALMOST CRIMINAL
THE SEATTLE TIMES - February 23, 1985
Author: JOHN HARTL ; TIMES FILM REVIEWER
.... Night Patrol ,'' with Linda Blair , Pat Paulsen, Jaye P. Morgan, Jack Riley, Billy Barty, Murray Langston. Directed by Jackie Kong, from a script by Kong, Langston, William Osco and William Levy. Aurora Village, Kirkland Parkplace, Kent, SeaTac Mall Cinemas, Valley drive-in. Rated R
.... Night Patrol '' begins with a nebbish policeman named Melvin (Murray Langston) stopping a lunatic motorist who immediately confesses to all manner of crimes and indiscretions. ....I picked up a hitchhiker and severely raped him,'' says the madman as he tries to kiss the cop.
Seconds later, Melvin attempts a mouth-to-mouth rescue job on a street person who has apparently passed out, only to find that the man is very much alive and willing to reciprocate. His fellow cops include a pair who hold hands and lisp and are overjoyed to patrol the parks.
Melvin's psychiatrist admits to Melvin ....a chemistry I don't feel with my other male patients.'' A male ....rape victim'' (played by ....Karate Kid'' Oscar nominee Pat Morita) is forced to masturbate 13 times by his male ....assailants.''
You might say the creators of .... Night Patrol ,'' led by a 27-year-old writer-director named Jackie Kong, share an obsession.
Unfortunately, they can't translate it into anything but a wretchedly acted series of gross-out gags about Melvin's split personality.
By day he's the rookie partner of Pat Paulsen. By night he's ....The Unknown Comic,'' a popular stand-up comedian who keeps a bag over his head. Like Lois Lane, the rookie cop's girlfriend ( Linda Blair ) wants to know why she never sees Melvin in the audience during the comic's act.
The girlfriend is fond of telling Melvin that his boss' bark is worse than his bite, whereupon we hear barking from the boss' office.
She tells Melvin that he wouldn't harm a fly, whereupon a fly appears and he smashes it. His partner tells Melvin that her devotion to him is written all over her face, and the next shot is of Blair with ....I Love Melvin'' painted on her cheeks and chin. By the time someone announces ....there's a full moon tonight'' and the camera pans to an open window, you know what's coming.
....Airplane!'', which thrived on this sort of thing, has much to answer for. But its makers never stooped to this level of desperation.
The worst gags in ....Airplane!'' are funnier than the best moments in .... Night Patrol ,'' which finally throws all caution to the wind during its last half-hour _ a collage of terrible impersonations of Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder and witless parodies of spaghetti westerns, Clint Eastwood cop movies and the dance numbers from ....Fame.'
JAYE P MORGAN on Muppets
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' NIGHT PATROL ' HAS NO PURPOSE
Miami Herald, The (FL) - February 27, 1985
Author: BILL COSFORD Herald Movie Critic
Night Patrol is an attempt to marry the shotgun-gag approach of Airplane! with the up-the-authorities juvenilia of Police Academy -- an unholy wedding indeed.
Jokes, some quite repulsive and almost all quite obviously tired (you can hear the little punch lines panting even before they're uttered) come fast and furious and without benefit of any but the thinnest of plots. The scenes involving Billy Barty as the dwarf chief of police are evocative: Barty by himself is not funny enough once the novelty has worn off, so the filmmakers compensated by dubbing in an endless stream of sound track flatulence during his appearances. He's not just small, he passes gas as well.
Linda Blair and Pat Paulsen are featured, thus telling us more about their shriveled careers than we wanted to know. And they are cast, alas, as second fiddles to Murray Langston, who was a brief sensation last decade as The Unknown Comic, a man who performed while wearing a paper bag over this head. Though the film does have one legitimately funny line -- an attorney counsels his handcuffed client, "If you get the chance, try to escape" -- Langston's once and former schtick provides the central metaphor for all involved.
BILL COSFORD
With Linda Blair , Pat Paulsen and Murray Langston; directed by Jackie Kong; written by Murray Langston, William Levey, William Osco and Jackie Kong. Vulgar language, brief nudity, sexual situations.
ANDREW DICE CLAY
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' NIGHT PATROL ' HAS NO TASTE, NO HUMOR
Boston Globe - March 2, 1985
Author: Jay Carr, Globe Staff
" Night Patrol " is a crude little gross-out movie with a brick in its head and a sewer in its mouth. At
first, it seems content with trying to be a modestly inept "Police Academy" ripoff. But it soon self-destructs because it doesn't know how to make its bad taste funny or chaotic enough, especially in the San Francisco precinct house where its cops are based. Poor, cute, chipmunk-cheeked Linda Blair , the dispatcher, gets stuck with most of the numbingly literal gags.
No sooner does she talk about the captain's bark being worse than his bite, than we hear barking on the soundtrack. Let her say "A little bird told me," and we see a bird chirping away in a cage next to her desk. When leering cop Pat Paulsen tells rookie Murray Langston that Blair loves Langston and that it's written all over her face, the next shot, sure enough, shows Blair's face with "I love you" written on it in grease pencil. When he requests a backup unit during a shootout - you guessed it, the arriving police car backs into the crime scene.
Langston wants to be a nightclub comic. This ambition conflicts with his police job, which forbids other employment. So he performs with a paper bag over his head and becomes known as The Unknown Comedian. Then a gunman with a paper bag over his head starts holding up bars, and Langston is under suspicion. The victims don't so much mind losing the money as being forced to listen to obnoxious jokes at gunpoint. For instance, when he waves his gun at the bartender in a dignified black club, the stickup man asks if they take Massacharge.
At another point, the film manages to be unfunny while simultaneously insulting lesbians and Pat Morita. Some of the raunchy stuff is funny, but most of it is boneheaded and offensive, and the film is executed amateurishly. To those who can remember when Paulsen used to be a comedian, his tired lechery here is depressing. Diminutive Billy Barty, as an unendingly gaseous police captain, is stuck with the film's unfunniest running gag. Langston, as the would-be comic with the hangdog face, ha s more personality with the paper bag over his head. But it's " Night Patrol " that should have been bagged.
Memo: MOVIE REVIEW
NIGHT PATROL - Directed by Jackie Kong, screenplay by
Kong, Murray Langston, William Levey and William Osco.
Starring Linda Blair , Pat Paulsen, Jaye P. Morgan, Jack
Riley, Billy Barty, Murray Langston, Lori Sutton, Pat
Morita. At the Pi Alley and suburbs, rated R (nudity,
vulgar language).
More from Jackie Kong:
BLOOD DINER clip
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' Night Patrol '
Washington Post, The (DC) - March 4, 1985
Author: Paul Attanasio, Washington Post Staff Writer
" Night Patrol " stars Murray Langston, who was hot stuff on "The $1.98 Beauty Show" about five years ago; Jaye P. Morgan, who was a wow on "The Gong Show" before that; and Pat Paulsen who, according to cave paintings, starred on "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour." Add to this Linda Blair , whose career since "The Exorcist" has been roughly comparable to Father Merrin's.
Langston plays Melvin, a cop who's trying to break into the nightclub biz as "The Unknown Comic" -- he wears a paper bag over his head and tells terribly funny jokes (or at least the hired extras think they're terribly funny). But a crook is afoot wearing the same get-up, so Melvin's partner (Paulsen) begins to suspect him. Morgan plays Melvin's agent, who, when he tells her he has butterflies in his stomach, feeds him mothballs. Blair plays a cop in love with Melvin. Her name is Sue Perman. But Melvin is in love with Edith Hutton (and when Edith Hutton speaks, people listen).
" Night Patrol " begins in anarchic gross-out style (for example, a pregnant prostitute offering a "Two-for-One" sale). The opening sequence is, inexplicably, half in subtitled French; and a series of sight gags are introduced pell-mell, linked only by the movie's bouncy reggae theme. But the movie soon becomes the sort of tired punfest that went out with, well, "The $1.98 Beauty Show," "The Gong Show" and "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour." The movie ends by asking, "Should he franchise the Unknown Comic? Yell Yes or No." And honk if you voted for Pat Paulsen.
Night Patrol , at area theaters, is rated R and contains nudity, sexual themes and profanity.
MURRAY LANGSTON-UnBAGGED
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.. NIGHT PATROL ': DEADBEAT
The Record (New Jersey) - March 11, 1985
Author: By Deborah Jerome, Movie Critic: The Record
" Night Patrol ," which opened this weekend at theaters locally, is a comedy that must have seemed vastly amusing to the people who wrote and directed it, and even to the people who acted in it, but it's murder on the viewer who tries to sit through it to the end.
Directed by Jackie Kong, and written by Kong with Murray Langston, William Levey, and William Osco, " Night Patrol " tries very hard to create an atmosphere of the kind of insouciant grossness that works so well in the movies of John Waters ("Polyester") and the wisecracking slapstick of movies like "Airplane. " Lacking both the wisecracks and the insouciance, Kong's film is left with only grossness and slapstick.
Langston plays a sweet Los Angeles cop who by night is becoming highly successful on the comedy-club circuit in his act as the Unknown Comic so-called because he wears a paper bag over his head. Trouble begins brewing when a wave of robberies starts, all committed by a man wearing a paper bag.
This central core of the comedy isn't bad, but Kong, Langston, and the other writers prefer to lay on the crudeness, which isn't much relieved by sharpness of observation or wit. The result is that their movie is peopled with a flatulent dwarf, a sex-starved agent, a pregnant hooker who walks the streets offering "two for one," and a band of bad-humored lesbians and these are supposed to be jokes in themselves, without much context.
If there had been a little more pointedness to their satirical observations, or a little more cleverness in the dialogue, the film makers might have made " Night Patrol " a nice little midnight movie. But there isn't, and it's not. Of note is Linda Blair as a police dispatcher; this is not the movie that's going to resurrect her career.
" Night Patrol " is rated R, with brief nudity and coarse jokes
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' Night Patrol ': vile, infantile, puerile -- and terrible
Evening Tribune (San Diego, CA) - January 7, 1985
Author: BILL HAGEN, FILM/THEATER CRITIC
IT'S NO SECRET that the first month or two of a new year -- and sometimes considerably longer than that, like waiting for the Social Security deduction from your paycheck to end -- is clearance sale time for the movie business.
Everything -- and anything -- goes.
At such a time, it's a good idea -- even a sanity-saving idea -- to keep reminding yourself it's early in the season, that things surely will get better. But never, to the best of my recollection, have I had to remind myself so early in the season that it's early in the season, if you know what I mean.
The first new release out of the box, which isn't at all a bad a way to put it, is a vile, infantile, puerile exercise in inanity called " Night Patrol ." What it is basically is a sleazy rip-off of "Police Academy" and maybe "Airplane!," neither of which were totally innocent of sleaze in the first place.
Truth to tell, I had a tiny inkling beforehand that " Night Patrol " would be pretty much what it is, which is abominable. Oh, the clues were subtle, but they were there. For instance, a cast headed by Linda Blair , Pat Paulsen, Jaye P. Morgan, Jack Riley, Billy Barty and Murray Langston. Would that light up a marquee, or what?
Then there's the writing team -- the aforementioned Langston, whose versatility is overshadowed only by his lack of talent; William Levey; William Osco; and Jackie Kong. Talk about spreading lack of talent around, Kong is also accused of being co-producer and director.
" Night Patrol " is a relentless series of off-the-wall (usually the bathroom wall) skits celebrating such classy comedy topics as urination, defecation, flatulence and other giggly stuff most people outgrow a few years before puberty. Quite a few years. Like when potty training ends.
The thread, however slender, that runs through this tasteless, numbingly unfunny comedy involves Langston as a moonlighting cop. He is to law enforcement as Erica Jong is to deathless prose.
His second job is as a performer in a comedy club, at which he's not any better. But for his second job he shows wisdom totally out of character -- he wears a paper bag over his head while performing. I'll bet the rest of the cast thought of the same thing. He's known as the Unknown Comedian, strictly on merit.
Meanwhile, another person wearing a bag is doing crimes and .... Well, it's not for me to give away everything. I'd like to give away this movie, though, perhaps to the Ayatollah.
The writing committee and the director of " Night Patrol " also have great sport with, or make sport of, homosexuals in a particularly disgusting way. (One of the jokes, and you'd better sit down for this: The police chief is handing out assignments and calls for patrolman number one. No answer. "Are you one?" the chief asks. And the answer is -- give me a moment to gather myself -- "Yes, are you one too?" Most of the other jokes fall short of that, but who could keep up such a pace?)
Less bloodied but not totally unscathed are such targets as nuns, the mentally deficient and, of course, the police. Hey, a laugh's a laugh, right? Anything's fair game. Well, not anything, and definitely not if there's nothing funny about any of it.
One of the concerns about lacerating a movie like " Night Patrol " -- although even from Hollywood there aren't too many like it -- is that it might pique curiosity. You know, like nothing can be that bad or that gross. Wrong! " Night Patrol " is a thoroughly detestable movie.
The only thing that salvaged the day for me, in fact, was the revelation that General Electric is making some really nifty audio equipment. That information was included in a commercial before the movie and, in retrospect, the commercial was much too short.
Naw, I'm only kidding. I think use of commercials and rock videos in movie-houses is pretty venal. But, then, the movie business is something of a bastion of venality. It is, after all, the business that unearthed " Night Patrol ."
" Night Patrol ," rated R (language, sexual content), is playing areawide.
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New year begins in a terrible way
San Diego Union, The (CA) - January 8, 1985
Author: David Elliott, Movie Critic
" Night Patrol " opens with French credit titles, and at first I thought a French print had been shipped by mistake. A few minutes into the film I realized they'd made a bigger mistake. New World Pictures should have sent an all-French version, and one without English subtitles.
This comedy that never made me laugh is no way to start a new year. It's about a wimpy cop in San Francisco (though it looks like Los Angeles) who moonlights as a nightclub comic, wearing a bag on his head and cracking, uh, jokes. Among the few that can be printed in this paper: "You know beer makes you smarter? It made Bud wiser."
Though no longer run by Roger Corman, New World Pictures still has a reputation for giving chances to young talent. Here the rising star is director Jackie Kong, daughter (says the PR sheet) of the late writer and wit Anita Loos. She was, also says the sheet, "raised among the likes of Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando and Roman Polanski. As a result, she remains unfazed by the glitter of Hollywood."
That's reassuring, but we can wish that Jackie K. had been fazed by more talent. I missed her first feature, "The Being," which is not, as you may surmise, a meditation on Heidegger's ontology but about "a creature from a toxic waste dump who terrorizes a small town." Jackie, toxic with low-budget ambition, is now terrorizing viewers. During my viewing of " Night Patrol ," the audience peeled away in stunned sections from the theater.
The film's cop-comic is played by Murray Langston, who must have requested the head bag after he read the script. But Murray's gags and gestures (a poor steal from Martin Short's geek character Ed Grimley) are not the lowest points in this Death Valley. We also see dirty old copper Pat Paulsen pawing women, among them "Kitten" Natividad, the busty graduate of Russ Meyer films. Whatever it is that Kitten does, Meyer handles it better.
Jaye P. Morgan plays a talent agent with lurid cynical smile. Dwarfish Billy Barty is the precinct captain whose shoes make flatulent noises. And Pat Morita rolls back some of his "Karate Kid" advance by appearing as a transvestite rape victim, dubbed with a girl's voice.
Oh yes, and Linda Blair , very late of "The Exorcist," appears as policewoman Sue Perman (and if you get the joke of her name, you're getting as deep as this movie goes). Blair, who has matured rather nicely, no longer makes me think of revolving heads and pea soup. After "Exorcist II: The Heretic," and now this, hasn't she earned a break?
" Night Patrol " never gets better. Those dressy French titles, it turns out, are the sharpest gag. This movie exists in a septic sub-basement beneath "Laugh-in," beneath Cheech and Chong, even beneath the Three Stooges. The attitude behind the raunchy scattershots is: Throw something at the screen and see if it sticks. It seldom does, but we're left with the stain.
Watching " Night Patrol " is like being trapped in a bus station late at night with people who are unemployed for obvious reasons. When a mean, dumb waiter in a greasy diner cleans Paulsen's knife by wiping it through his armpit, I realized that we may be surprisingly early in finding 1985's worst film.
" Night Patrol " (no stars) A New World Pictures release. Directed by Jackie Kong. Produced by Bill Osco. Written by Murray Langston, Bill Levey, Jackie Kong, Bill Osco. Photography by Juerg Walthers, Hanania Baer. Rated R. In local theaters. The Cast Murray Langston-Murray, Linda Blair-Sue Perman, Pat Paulsen-Kent ,Billy Barty-Capt. Lewis, Pat Morita-Rape Victim, Jaye P. Morgan-Kate
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FILM: MIDGET CAPTAINS, PAPER BAGS AND ' NIGHT PATROL '
Philadelphia Inquirer, The (PA) - January 28, 1985
Author: Desmond Ryan, Inquirer Movie Critic
In the matter of an opinion of Night Patrol , I yield to the incontinent pigeon who chooses a policeman as its target shortly after the opening credits. The bird proves a fair judge of a movie, which is more than can be said for anyone else involved in this unspeakable film.
The hucksters, casting about for a come-on to an audience that consists of people who like to see the doodlings on the wall of a bus station men's room brought to cinematic life, declare that Night Patrol is funnier than last year's Police Academy.
But then, so is a two-car funeral cortege.
The pigeon - or some other little bird - might have informed them, but the main idea here is to out-gross, in every sense of the word, the box-office success of Police Academy.
The credits of Night Patrol are in subtitled French. The rest of the film, unfortunately, is in subcretinous English.
Shortly after the pigeon has turned in its review, a man shows up with a brown paper bag over his head. He is a night-club comedian who wishes to keep his identity a secret. The plot has something to do with his secret moonlighting and a bandit who adopts his disguise.
When the comedian trots out a few of his jokes, the bag seems an eminently sensible idea, and one wonders why the rest of the cast did not seek a similar refuge in anonymity. When performers appear in something as filthy and witless as Night Patrol , it is sometimes sadly referred to as "career- threatening." But when you are willing to appear in a movie whose recurring joke concerns a midget police captain with a terminal case of flatulence, you clearly have no career left to threaten.
It would be a humanitarian gesture - one I am sure the pigeon would endorse - if the filmmakers showed some compassion and issued brown paper bags to patrons as they enter the theater for Night Patrol .
Airlines are considerate in this regard, and there is far more potential for nausea among those exposed to the full 87 minutes of Night Patrol - a film that gives a new meaning to the term police brutality.
NIGHT PATROL
Produced by William Osco, directed by Jackie Kong, written by Murray Langston, William Levey, William Osco and Jackie Kong, photography by Juergen Walthers, distributed by New World Pictures; running time, 1 hour, 27 min. *
Kent - Pat Paulsen
Melvin - Jack Riley
Kate - Jaye P. Morgan
Edith - Linda Blair
Parents' guide: R (language, gross humor)
PAT PAULSEN ETHNIC JOKE/MINSTREL BIT ON MERV GRIFFIN
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..PATROL': POOPER SCOOPER FARE
THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE - February 4, 1985
Author: Peter Stack
.... Night Patrol ,'' which splatted into Bay Area theaters over the weekend, is a steady flow of gags from the lower intestinal tract and environs. I imagine ....Joe Bob'' types will at least be licking the screen upon seeing this rotten dog of a comedy that needs a scooper to pick up after it.
As advertised, .... Night Patrol ,'' starring Linda Blair , Pat Paulson and Murray Langston as the Unknown Comic, is the ....gross-out movie of the year.''
Do we need a gross-out movie this year? Or any year?
The average filmgoer will have to consider just how far he or she wishes to sink on the issue of grossing out. Are dog doo jokes sufficient? How about a sperm bank joke in which a woman . . . well, you almost have to be there to appreciate the nuances of .... Night Patrol .'' Nuances that hit you like a truckload of road apples.
Still and all, some road apples are juicier than others. Although I'm a sensitive type given to serious reflection and philosophical pursuits, I suffered a few eruptions of unabashed laughter at about four of the apples - steamers, if you will.
A back-alley cockfight scene, for example, hit my funnybone from left field. A ....High Noon'' parody, in which a gunslinger can't decide whether his Smith & Wesson is in his pants or his holster, got me too.
.... Night Patrol '' is about about two cops, a rookie and a veteran (played by Langston and Paulsen) who are assigned to night patrol . Linda Blair is the radio dispatcher at police headquarters. She still looks about 14 years old, and she's still is all the other things her fans gawk and talk about, although the gawkables are seen in only one fleeting moment. No freeze frames in our neighborhood theaters!
The movie, technically a pile, and rather chaotic in terms of plot, runs out of steam - and steamers - pretty fast. Dog doo succumbs to dumb doo, and it's all over except for the tedious process of getting your money's worth by staying until the bitter end.
Langston plays both the rookie cop and the Unknown Comic, the stand-up who performs with a paper bag over his head. In the film a man wearing a paper bag over his head is robbing taverns. The cops are hot on his trail in spite of their captain, Billy Barty, whose main shtick is to break wind.
It's hard to pinpoint the exact injuries to the sensibilities that occur in .... Night Patrol ,'' mostly because they're so constant. But the brazenly gross first 10 minutes (following titles in French) is really the only puke-in-your-popcorn portion of the movie. After a siege of jokes that would make even hardened perverts blush, .... Night Patrol '' just sputters stupidly to its final wind-down.
This is not a film to take your grandparents to - and you grannies out there, don't take no little grandkids either!
RATING: (EMPTY CHAIR)
NIGHT PATROL : Raunchy comedy. Starring Linda Blair , Pat Paulson, Murray Langston. (R. 87 minutes. At the Alhambra, Alexandria, Empire, New Mission, St. Francis, Serramonte and Geneva Drive-In.)
UNKNOWN COMIC on GONG SHOW
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HORRENDOUS ' NIGHT PATROL ' AN ABSOLUTE MUST-NOT SEE
SACRAMENTO BEE - February 5, 1985
Author: George Williams Bee Reviewer
NIGHT PATROL is an ugly little movie that seems bent on offending every possible target. It attempts to make jokes out of little people, gay people, flatulent people. It is sexist, racist and ageist. It's anti-black, anti-Asian, anti-Catholic, anti-Semitic, anti-dog, anti-cat. It tries to get laughs at the expense of comics, agents, psychiatrists, the police, criminals, victims - all civilians.
It's raunchy, treating sexuality as if it were nothing but perversion. And it's dumb. You've heard all the jokes before. There's not an original bone on its body.
So what are we to make of this? Apparently New World Pictures figured they could make a lot of money by exploiting a comparative masterpiece, the comedy Police Academy that mined similar ground and was one of 1984's big money-makers. Night Patrol is a septic tank compared to the tranquil mountain lake of Police Academy.
Unlike Police Academy, Night Patrol ignores every possibility for fun. It lacks any real vitality or imagination. It reeks of stupidity, cowardice and mean-heartedness.
The bottom line is that Night Patrol is clearly presented as if we will find it hilarious and charming and that we will sympathize with its characters. It's saying that Night Patrol 's monstrous attitude is just what we want to see up on the screen.
It's a monstrous insult that should be soundly kicked into a garbage pit where it belongs.
NIGHT PATROL
(No stars.)
Cast: Pat Paulsen, Linda Blair , Jaye P. Morgan, Jack Riley, Billy Barty, Murray Langston. Director: Jackie Kong. Producer: William Osco. Screenplay: Langston, Kong, Osco, William Levey. Distributor: New World Pictures.
Capitol, State, Sunrise, Sacramento Drive-In.
Rating: R, for raunchiness, simulated sex, profanity.
LINDA BLAIR HOW TO MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD
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MOVIE REVIEW - .. Night Patrol ,' like comic, should be an unknown film
The Atlanta Journal and The Atlanta Constitution - February 5, 1985
Author: RINGEL, ELEANOR, Eleanor Ringel Film Editor: STAFF
The people connected with "Police Academy" are going to be very happy with " Night Patrol ." This inept, cheap-shot, gross-out comedy does one thing very well - it shows how low the "Police Academy" crowd could've stooped.
The movie uses up its funniest idea right away. The credits are subtitled in French, sort of mock-New Wave pretentious. Unfortunately, the rest of the picture is in English.
The ostensible star is a comedian named Murray Langston who bills himself as The Unknown Comic and performs his act with a paper bag over his head. During the day, he takes off the bag and dons a badge as a policeman named Melvin.
All kinds of funny things happen to Melvin. Incontinent pigeons let loose on him. A bum sleeping in a public park turns out to be gay and covers him with kisses. His commander-in-chief is a dwarf (Billy Barty) with a bad case of terminal flatulence.
But Melvin's real problems aren't any of the above. They are: one, no one is supposed to know he's moonlighting as a comic, known or not; two, there's a criminal roaming the city who also wears a paper bag and tells bad jokes which makes the Unknown Comic Barty's prime suspect.
There really is an Unknown Comic - he's played comedy clubs in Atlanta - and " Night Patrol " comes off as a vanity production financed by his manager or his parents or perhaps both. Whoever it was, they probably thought they were doing their boy a good turn, but if he wants to make a career out of this kind of trash, he might consider trading his grocery bag for a Hefty bag.
Though most of the cast is made up of actors obviously so desperate to have a movie credit on their meager resumes that they'll do anything in front of a camera, there are a few "name" performers. Linda Blair , making a genre move from horror movies to horrible ones, comes off best as a police dispatcher in love with Melvin. Less fortunate are Pat Paulsen as Melvin's womanizing partner and Jack Riley as his pipe-smoking shrink. It's too bad the Smothers Brothers and Bob Newhart can't take better care of their old second bananas. Most embarrassing of all is poor Pat Morita as a "rape" victim, a portrayal I don't think will do much for his chances at an Oscar nomination for "The Karate Kid."
" Night Patrol " makes "Police Academy" look like "Hill Street Blues." As 10-four comedies go, this one is a 10-zero. Over and out.
BILLY BARTY interview 1996
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.. NIGHT PATROL ' IS ALMOST CRIMINAL
THE SEATTLE TIMES - February 23, 1985
Author: JOHN HARTL ; TIMES FILM REVIEWER
.... Night Patrol ,'' with Linda Blair , Pat Paulsen, Jaye P. Morgan, Jack Riley, Billy Barty, Murray Langston. Directed by Jackie Kong, from a script by Kong, Langston, William Osco and William Levy. Aurora Village, Kirkland Parkplace, Kent, SeaTac Mall Cinemas, Valley drive-in. Rated R
.... Night Patrol '' begins with a nebbish policeman named Melvin (Murray Langston) stopping a lunatic motorist who immediately confesses to all manner of crimes and indiscretions. ....I picked up a hitchhiker and severely raped him,'' says the madman as he tries to kiss the cop.
Seconds later, Melvin attempts a mouth-to-mouth rescue job on a street person who has apparently passed out, only to find that the man is very much alive and willing to reciprocate. His fellow cops include a pair who hold hands and lisp and are overjoyed to patrol the parks.
Melvin's psychiatrist admits to Melvin ....a chemistry I don't feel with my other male patients.'' A male ....rape victim'' (played by ....Karate Kid'' Oscar nominee Pat Morita) is forced to masturbate 13 times by his male ....assailants.''
You might say the creators of .... Night Patrol ,'' led by a 27-year-old writer-director named Jackie Kong, share an obsession.
Unfortunately, they can't translate it into anything but a wretchedly acted series of gross-out gags about Melvin's split personality.
By day he's the rookie partner of Pat Paulsen. By night he's ....The Unknown Comic,'' a popular stand-up comedian who keeps a bag over his head. Like Lois Lane, the rookie cop's girlfriend ( Linda Blair ) wants to know why she never sees Melvin in the audience during the comic's act.
The girlfriend is fond of telling Melvin that his boss' bark is worse than his bite, whereupon we hear barking from the boss' office.
She tells Melvin that he wouldn't harm a fly, whereupon a fly appears and he smashes it. His partner tells Melvin that her devotion to him is written all over her face, and the next shot is of Blair with ....I Love Melvin'' painted on her cheeks and chin. By the time someone announces ....there's a full moon tonight'' and the camera pans to an open window, you know what's coming.
....Airplane!'', which thrived on this sort of thing, has much to answer for. But its makers never stooped to this level of desperation.
The worst gags in ....Airplane!'' are funnier than the best moments in .... Night Patrol ,'' which finally throws all caution to the wind during its last half-hour _ a collage of terrible impersonations of Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder and witless parodies of spaghetti westerns, Clint Eastwood cop movies and the dance numbers from ....Fame.'
JAYE P MORGAN on Muppets
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' NIGHT PATROL ' HAS NO PURPOSE
Miami Herald, The (FL) - February 27, 1985
Author: BILL COSFORD Herald Movie Critic
Night Patrol is an attempt to marry the shotgun-gag approach of Airplane! with the up-the-authorities juvenilia of Police Academy -- an unholy wedding indeed.
Jokes, some quite repulsive and almost all quite obviously tired (you can hear the little punch lines panting even before they're uttered) come fast and furious and without benefit of any but the thinnest of plots. The scenes involving Billy Barty as the dwarf chief of police are evocative: Barty by himself is not funny enough once the novelty has worn off, so the filmmakers compensated by dubbing in an endless stream of sound track flatulence during his appearances. He's not just small, he passes gas as well.
Linda Blair and Pat Paulsen are featured, thus telling us more about their shriveled careers than we wanted to know. And they are cast, alas, as second fiddles to Murray Langston, who was a brief sensation last decade as The Unknown Comic, a man who performed while wearing a paper bag over this head. Though the film does have one legitimately funny line -- an attorney counsels his handcuffed client, "If you get the chance, try to escape" -- Langston's once and former schtick provides the central metaphor for all involved.
BILL COSFORD
With Linda Blair , Pat Paulsen and Murray Langston; directed by Jackie Kong; written by Murray Langston, William Levey, William Osco and Jackie Kong. Vulgar language, brief nudity, sexual situations.
ANDREW DICE CLAY
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' NIGHT PATROL ' HAS NO TASTE, NO HUMOR
Boston Globe - March 2, 1985
Author: Jay Carr, Globe Staff
" Night Patrol " is a crude little gross-out movie with a brick in its head and a sewer in its mouth. At
first, it seems content with trying to be a modestly inept "Police Academy" ripoff. But it soon self-destructs because it doesn't know how to make its bad taste funny or chaotic enough, especially in the San Francisco precinct house where its cops are based. Poor, cute, chipmunk-cheeked Linda Blair , the dispatcher, gets stuck with most of the numbingly literal gags.
No sooner does she talk about the captain's bark being worse than his bite, than we hear barking on the soundtrack. Let her say "A little bird told me," and we see a bird chirping away in a cage next to her desk. When leering cop Pat Paulsen tells rookie Murray Langston that Blair loves Langston and that it's written all over her face, the next shot, sure enough, shows Blair's face with "I love you" written on it in grease pencil. When he requests a backup unit during a shootout - you guessed it, the arriving police car backs into the crime scene.
Langston wants to be a nightclub comic. This ambition conflicts with his police job, which forbids other employment. So he performs with a paper bag over his head and becomes known as The Unknown Comedian. Then a gunman with a paper bag over his head starts holding up bars, and Langston is under suspicion. The victims don't so much mind losing the money as being forced to listen to obnoxious jokes at gunpoint. For instance, when he waves his gun at the bartender in a dignified black club, the stickup man asks if they take Massacharge.
At another point, the film manages to be unfunny while simultaneously insulting lesbians and Pat Morita. Some of the raunchy stuff is funny, but most of it is boneheaded and offensive, and the film is executed amateurishly. To those who can remember when Paulsen used to be a comedian, his tired lechery here is depressing. Diminutive Billy Barty, as an unendingly gaseous police captain, is stuck with the film's unfunniest running gag. Langston, as the would-be comic with the hangdog face, ha s more personality with the paper bag over his head. But it's " Night Patrol " that should have been bagged.
Memo: MOVIE REVIEW
NIGHT PATROL - Directed by Jackie Kong, screenplay by
Kong, Murray Langston, William Levey and William Osco.
Starring Linda Blair , Pat Paulsen, Jaye P. Morgan, Jack
Riley, Billy Barty, Murray Langston, Lori Sutton, Pat
Morita. At the Pi Alley and suburbs, rated R (nudity,
vulgar language).
More from Jackie Kong:
BLOOD DINER clip
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' Night Patrol '
Washington Post, The (DC) - March 4, 1985
Author: Paul Attanasio, Washington Post Staff Writer
" Night Patrol " stars Murray Langston, who was hot stuff on "The $1.98 Beauty Show" about five years ago; Jaye P. Morgan, who was a wow on "The Gong Show" before that; and Pat Paulsen who, according to cave paintings, starred on "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour." Add to this Linda Blair , whose career since "The Exorcist" has been roughly comparable to Father Merrin's.
Langston plays Melvin, a cop who's trying to break into the nightclub biz as "The Unknown Comic" -- he wears a paper bag over his head and tells terribly funny jokes (or at least the hired extras think they're terribly funny). But a crook is afoot wearing the same get-up, so Melvin's partner (Paulsen) begins to suspect him. Morgan plays Melvin's agent, who, when he tells her he has butterflies in his stomach, feeds him mothballs. Blair plays a cop in love with Melvin. Her name is Sue Perman. But Melvin is in love with Edith Hutton (and when Edith Hutton speaks, people listen).
" Night Patrol " begins in anarchic gross-out style (for example, a pregnant prostitute offering a "Two-for-One" sale). The opening sequence is, inexplicably, half in subtitled French; and a series of sight gags are introduced pell-mell, linked only by the movie's bouncy reggae theme. But the movie soon becomes the sort of tired punfest that went out with, well, "The $1.98 Beauty Show," "The Gong Show" and "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour." The movie ends by asking, "Should he franchise the Unknown Comic? Yell Yes or No." And honk if you voted for Pat Paulsen.
Night Patrol , at area theaters, is rated R and contains nudity, sexual themes and profanity.
MURRAY LANGSTON-UnBAGGED
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.. NIGHT PATROL ': DEADBEAT
The Record (New Jersey) - March 11, 1985
Author: By Deborah Jerome, Movie Critic: The Record
" Night Patrol ," which opened this weekend at theaters locally, is a comedy that must have seemed vastly amusing to the people who wrote and directed it, and even to the people who acted in it, but it's murder on the viewer who tries to sit through it to the end.
Directed by Jackie Kong, and written by Kong with Murray Langston, William Levey, and William Osco, " Night Patrol " tries very hard to create an atmosphere of the kind of insouciant grossness that works so well in the movies of John Waters ("Polyester") and the wisecracking slapstick of movies like "Airplane. " Lacking both the wisecracks and the insouciance, Kong's film is left with only grossness and slapstick.
Langston plays a sweet Los Angeles cop who by night is becoming highly successful on the comedy-club circuit in his act as the Unknown Comic so-called because he wears a paper bag over his head. Trouble begins brewing when a wave of robberies starts, all committed by a man wearing a paper bag.
This central core of the comedy isn't bad, but Kong, Langston, and the other writers prefer to lay on the crudeness, which isn't much relieved by sharpness of observation or wit. The result is that their movie is peopled with a flatulent dwarf, a sex-starved agent, a pregnant hooker who walks the streets offering "two for one," and a band of bad-humored lesbians and these are supposed to be jokes in themselves, without much context.
If there had been a little more pointedness to their satirical observations, or a little more cleverness in the dialogue, the film makers might have made " Night Patrol " a nice little midnight movie. But there isn't, and it's not. Of note is Linda Blair as a police dispatcher; this is not the movie that's going to resurrect her career.
" Night Patrol " is rated R, with brief nudity and coarse jokes
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